Playstation 2 - Bible Game, The

Format
Playstation 2
Publisher
Crave Entertainment
Developer
Crave Entertainment
Country of origin
US
Genre
Party games

The Bible Game Preview

By David Rasmussen
30th Dec 05

After hearing the Religious Right whine forever and ever about video games who’d have thought somebody would actually attempt to market a game at them -- with the exception of Disney and their Chronicles of Narnia : The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe game that is. And, PS, looks like Disney’s first Chronicles of Narnia movie hit a rock in the road to sequeldom! Apparently the whole “Let’s market this as a religious experience” as well as “Let’s market this as the next Lord of the Rings” has come and bit Disney in the butt! After two weeks worth of sales (as of this review though the 3rd week had just ended as I wrapped this up) with the movie only mustering about… half of it’s original theatrical cost of 150 million? Think it was 80 or so million… anyway about half (and while it looks like they somehow did get their wish of having WETA do the effects from what I saw of the behind the scenes of the movie for the movie it somehow still wasn‘t enough to make Narnia the “next LOTR“). Anyway with that over and done and the promise of less and less ticket sales each week it’s out? Wardrobe will be lucky to break even before the pleasantly well endowed Victorian Secrets’ model struts the runway signaling the death kneel of Disney’s LOTR franchise style aspirations (before it even had a chance to begin).

Oh, before we continue…
WARNING - The following review contains may comments (and some ribbing and eye poking) concerning the Christian/Catholic religion and The Bible (source of The Bible Game). If you have different religious beliefs, or have an allergic reaction to organized religion, or if you are still fussing about the money you spent on seeing The Chronicles of Narnia and didn’t get your money’s worth this isn’t the review for you. Long story short don’t buy this game. Ok, now you can go read my Scooby Doo review (now powered by Adam West cameo appearances) or my Super Mario 64 DS review (powered by Yoshi juice)!

If you haven’t left yet then hold on to your religious beliefs because Crave Entertainment has just jumped on the bright shiny hand grenade of Religious themed marketing (and doomed themselves before they even began since it looks like somebody has already pulled the pin and primed it to blow) by putting out a religiously themed “party” game for the PS2 and GBA during, yes, the month best known for horror related things (October)! And the game? What shall this game be known as? It shall ever be known as… The Bible Game! (Apparently they couldn’t dumb down the title anymore than that).
Me? This could have been an epic, but instead it sold itself short and became a flop before it began… what a pity. I mean how many more dumbed down trivia games can we withstand this year (wasn‘t the “Friends“ trivia game for the PS2 and PC enough trivia for one year)! Well, “game show” it might be, but Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit it isn’t.

So because somebody needs to warn you that $20 games are usually not worth the purchase no matter how low the price tag (remember the (bleep)y game NARC from Midway?) this is your first look (so you don’t feel compelled to take a second look if you don’t want to) at The Bible Game, priced at $20 a pop yet worth far far less in terms of actual gameplay offered. Not that I was ever worried about any of you even humoring this “game”, but in this one instance what you see just so happens to be exactly what you get… I.e. you see a bad game and that is exactly what you’ll get, a bad game.

From the people at Crave Entertainment… who has made… well, I’m not sure what else they made. Anyway from Crave comes The Bible Game, a game that tackles the extremely rare tangent of the party game style quizzical, and yes it might actually be “fun” -- Flanders from the Simpsons kind of fun, if you can stand that kind of repetitive information regurgitating kind of fun! But honesty, while it might suit the 10 or 15 “video gamers” who like endless quizzes and playing Who Wants To Be A Millionaire on the PSOne and Jeopardy slash Trivial Pursuit on the PS2, the rest of us might seriously question to “fun” gleaned from a game like this. After all I didn’t see anyone marketing the “Quizzical” 3 game pack over at Costco with Jeopardy, Trivial Pursuit and The Bible Game… in fact I didn’t see anyone selling this period. Really, what were they thinking! We might as well ask whether or not the gang at Crave were actually even considering doing a game that might be, I don’t know, respectful of the source material (the classic and largely debated material known as The Bible) while juggling the aspect of the game being fun (as opposed to it being “safe“ and “boring“), because it’s “fun” factor seems rather clear cut (I.e. none whatsoever).
But while it might be argued that the people at Crave could have done a better job (I.e. anything other than a quizzical of “holy” proportions might have been a better job) it’s way too late to recall it for rewrites or the infusion of actual gameplay (like two to three months overdue), so avoidance of the game might be a good idea. Treat it like a IED if you see it lying on the road, and run away.

Apparently making a game that takes the stories of the Bible and sets it in a well crafted and imagined world that brings the stories and lessons of The Bible to life in the most imaginative ways possible (I was thinking RPG, or the newly coined “RPA” (Role Playing Adventure… I.e. Platformer with role playing aspects)) was way too much stimulation for the game makers! Heck, it seems that such a notion may have been way too much stimulation for the “Dove Foundation”, they who the creators of the game sought approval from and gained said approval with their “dove” stamp of approval!
Truth be told I know nothing about the “Dove Foundation”, other than their opinion was highly treasured and coveted by the people at Crave, but I do know that by seeking the Dove Foundation’s approval they sold out their own game’s originality by appeasing others and not being true to themselves and the potential of the game that should have strived for better. It’s bad enough having a 3rd party company struggling with the task of making a game that takes the Bible and teaches it in a most informative and fun way, because even the most knowledgeable of Bible professors and experts have a hard time doing that! Add to the mix a strange organization that probably knows about as much about video games as I do Vatican politics and you have a recipe for gaming disaster. Because the game was more interested in appealing to the judgments of others (who probably logged 0.0 hours of gameplay on any kind of video game and most likely knows nothing of video gaming) they ended up throwing out (throwing up?) a lackluster bland game that falls short of expectations for something that (considering it’s source material) should have been far more engaging and intellectually deep. And yes, considering they’ve come out with such movies as “The Greatest Story Ever Told”, “Ten Ten Commandments”, “Prince of Egypt”, and… yes… “Passion of the Christ”, then you should have the makings of an intellectual game, if (you know) intellect was your goal and not a cookie cutter game to appease the video game naysayers in the faithful.

This is what you get, by the way, when you decide right off the bat that copping out and (bleep)ing out a “safe” game with “safe” content is better than attempting a truly fascinating game, if only to avoid the slings and arrows of possibly stirring up “controversial“ content in said innovative game.
And no, by that I don‘t mean the stuff you might see as “controversial“, I wasn’t envisioning Grand Theft Chariot Jerusalem or anything, but things that you and me might not even think of as being anywhere near “controversial” but might seem so to others. Crave? You sold yourselves short. You could have challenged yourselves, and us, and made a truly wondrous game that would have taught the Bible and also gave the player the freedom to draw their own conclusions and wisdom from the teachings in a world they could have explored and traveled from end to end, and yet you fell far short of such grandiose aspirations to “tow the line” for the approval of others. Oh, and trying to make an artificial sense of “variety” by varying the content of each “version” of the game doesn’t breath new life into the game, it just slaps a thin coat of “innovation” that clearly shows as being nothing more than a gimmick, coming nowhere near the major overhaul of innovation to make The Bible Game even worth considering in terms of purchasing.

Now I know what you’re thinking… really… you’re thinking because I’m down on this game that I’m going to be waving the flag of the other “religiously themed” game out, mainly “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which pits you against the coming of Revelation itself and the end of the world in a frantic button mashing shooter action game… of course you’d be wrong since it suffers from the same problem as The Bible Game. Yeah. If a Quizzical is not intelligent in my book, then neither is a button mashing action shooter. Both lack intelligence, only one kisses butt while the other kicks it, both just don’t meet in the happy middle ground and melds intellect with action… can’t we find a middle ground?
Give me a biblical game of biblical proportions, that is all I ask. Can’t you not give me what I ask for?
And while I’m dreaming I’d like gay/lesbian marriage to be embraced by all as a reality, a PS3, peace and love throughout the world, and a puppy slash kitten for every human on the planet. Maybe I’ll just take a PS3 since the other three seem rather lofty dreams, and a copy of Killzone 2, John Woo’s Shakedown and some of the other really good games.

Alright, let’s start off with the experience promised for the PS2 version… don‘t bother thinking too much though, the promise is a failed promise. By the way, nobody played “Friends” for the PS2 right?
In the PS2 version, gamers will be able to (quote) “show who is omniscient in the ways of the teachings of the Bible by answering questions related to the good book in a game show format“… uh-huh. Right.
Boy does THAT sound oh so intelligent… not. Reminds me of the (bleep)y “Friends“ “Video Game“ they just put out on the PS2, which I can‘t seem to stop hating... That, by the way, is another nail in the PS2‘s coffin if they start to put out a chain of inferior product, which they seem to be the case with these psuedo “games“ that make “The Man Show“ PS2 game… well, actually nothing can make “The Man Show“ PS2 game look any better no matter how horrid the game is, sorry. It‘s still (bleep).

Back to the game from you-know-where. “Contestants” (such at it is) will be quizzed on such stories as…
Jonah and the Whale - Recently revisited in theatrical release of Jonah : A VeggieTales Movie, you’ll talk the talk about a guy who traveled “whale” for a few days and yet came out far healthier than some people who traveled certain cruise ships have after their trips.

David and Goliath - Having troubles falling asleep? Does insomnia make you a mad sword wielding bully ready to oppress the world? Have you litterly become too big for your britches? Then perhaps the David Method of sleep aid can help you achieve a more peace loving non violent sleep. Let a boy with a slingshot rock you away to the land of Nod without the use of addictive sedatives! One boy, a sling and a rock is all that’s required, and you won‘t even have to draw a funny bullseye on your head or wear an apple as per the William Tell Sleep-All cure (where you‘ll be guaranteed a permanent sleep should the product malfunction)! Now sold in the handy ten pack without a healer’s prescription!

Jesus - You know there’s going to be a BIG section about the man himself, and his works! You know it!
He’s the one you know you’ve been waiting for, and he’s the one who this game was made for, so you know he’s going to be your go to guy for salvation in both life AND last minute point grabbing! Hallelujah!

Moses - Once played by Charleton Heston, who also played Ben Hur, you’ll need knowledge of the man who was played by the man who did a rather un-Moses like thing when he backed the NRA and did the whole take his gun from his “cold dead hand” thing. Oh, then he went and reprised his role of Moses role in an Animated re-telling, so I guess you can forgive the whole “cold dead hand” thing.

Noah - The guy who made the Ark, has a Bejeweled/Zoo Keeper style animal matching game to his name, and is not to be confused with the people who built The Ark of the Covenant, which holds the legendary Ten Commandments.

And more… can you restraint your excitement? Can you? Yes? Me too…
Now the game “promises” that just being Bible savvy won’t be enough (that means you Ned Flanders), for (quote) “blessed be those who are also quick on the buzzer“… for the Kingdom of Game Shows is your‘s to inherit… or something like that. Mind you the game could dig into the cultural pop culture of Biblical reference in movie, TV, novels and so forth but somehow I don’t think the game will be asking you such modern references…. That might be too much fun for anyone over at the “Dove Foundation“ to bear.
The PS2 version supports up to 4 players, though you would have thought the GBA version could also have supported that much players via the link cable… guess not since the game doesn‘t seem to offer the same multiplayer gameplay as the PS2! And WHY a Nintendo DS version (with it‘s wireless link option and the ability to download games into other DS (without said person having to own said game) for quick and easy multiplayer play) was not made available is a mystery that even the Bible can‘t answer.
Well, in short for the PS2 (What? Too late? I know, sorry!) if you are familiar with other quizzical games like Trivial Pursuit and so forth you probably have a leg up as to what to possibly expect with The Bible Game… except where the GBA version comes, that is apparently a different beast altogether.

Over at the good old GBA we have a game that has players choosing to play as either Billy (sans Grim and Mandy) or Jenny (not of Jones) as they attempt to protect the "Armor of God" from something… maybe Richard Dawson’s character from The Running Man? He was evil and good as quizzes, wasn’t he?
And hey, didn’t Jackie Chan once have to protect the Armor of God in one of his movies? I think I remember him doing that in a movie of his.
Leaving the game show format of the PS2 version (in a sense) we find the GBA version to be a “action adventure trivia game” which takes your chosen character across seven levels of gameplay as they answer questions about the Old and New Testaments. This seems, to me in anycase, to be taking a “page” from an old school arcade game I remember playing once that set you down in a fantasy RPG setting where “combat” was handled through quizzicals (you answered trivia in order to defeat enemies and advance through the game). Now while that was fun (since it asked so many questions in so many categories) I figure not so much fun here, especially since the game will probably be stuck with bible only questions. Also the world you were set in in terms of that game was interesting, somehow I don’t think that’ll be the case in The Bible Game for the GBA.
Also, once again, the game will most likely fall short and not ask about more modern biblical references from popular media like movies, TV and so forth. And I am most certain the game won’t ask about religion in the media and news events, which would be even more to make “Dove Foundation” people flip out.
So much for intelligent gaming, eh?

But wait, there should be more! Now, if the ads are right, there’s also supposed to be (from a later ad) a “Version” for the Xbox… wonder if that’s true… but whether it’s true or not seems to be irrelevant, what is true about this game is that this game is just no good. Not for ownership, not for rental, not for consideration. You can find the same kind of content if you made it yourself and put it on the web as a flash game (and your version might even be better than the Bible Game version since I’m sure you’ll add a ton of the modern cultural references like theatrical, theater (live theater), books, and more past the Bible to expand the game’s scope even more (which is something this game seems to have neglected from what I’ve seen of the articles written for it)).
Yes, this game is no good. Too much emphasis on The Bible, delivered in a dull format that requires the most minimum of player interaction and mostly a regurgitation of knowledge memorized than an actual learning and teaching of said knowledge in an environment that stimulates actual thought over simple parroting of biblical fact in a so-called “game show“ environ.

The game should have been more than simple memorization and regurgitation (trust me, once you know the question patterns and answers the game will become a breeze from repetitive clicking of the “right” answer without you coming close to understanding why you answered the way you did, or what significance that answer has towards anything in general. The game should have taken the body of the work that is the bible, expanded it greatly past just making you memorize and answer mindless questions about said text, and presented a world that teaches you the meaning of the text in a RPG style format that really gives you a hands on learning about it that doesn’t insult your intelligence.
At the very least if it was going to be a quiz show format only then the game should have started with the Bible, and then expanded outwards to become a game that both respected the bible, and the many things that came from it. The movies, the books, the documentaries and the investigative reports (like Leonard Nimoy’s Mysteries of the Bible), the way the bible is present in world events and politics and so forth, and many many more that would have required more than simple parroting of knowledge from the book itself, which would have actually made you think which this game seems to be allergic to.

Did you leave yet? Why not!
Look, simple fact is that this game is bad. It’s not just the fact that The Bible Game does nothing to reach out far enough in it’s scope in terms of it’s questions, there’s more. This game is also no good because it doesn’t teach or explore the world of the Bible and all it’s teachings (which the game should have done), it simply forces the players to regurgitate old knowledge by answering questions (which will be easier once you memorize all the answers and just repeat them over and over again), and that more than anything is not at all the most informative experience ever devised if you ask me.
That and this so-called “game” is more concerned and worried about stepping on toes and putting forth “inappropriate material” in this “Dove Foundation "Family Approved" game” than it was ever concerned about even attempting to make a real game worth playing.

Crave should have not worried so much about gaining the approval of the Dove Foundation, and worked to gain the approval of those who would play the game. They should have took the source material, the Bible, and created a wondrous world that would both involve and stimulate the players into learning the teachings of the Bible by experiencing them first hand, and making the connections concerning the lessons taught by seeing said lessons played out in situations set for by the game’s task bar. By getting the player’s feet wet, and having them interact fully with the world of The Bible, players can learn for themselves what the Bible is teaching by learning it themselves with first hand interaction with all those who made “The Bible“ what it is, the many historical figures and their roles in The Bible itself. From this interactive experience the players would draw their own conclusions about the teachings, apply it to their own lives, and find something worth praising about a game that would have been more concerned with the gamer than the paperpusher.
The Bible Game does nothing of the sort, and is more of an insult to players than anything truly useful.

And no, working in the stylings of a "comical" announcer will not legitimize the game any, nor will using inappropriately “hip” music like TobyMac, Newsboys, and Kutless. Then again this is a quizzical so I guess that fits, but if you wanted to do an epic game then stick to the strong earth shaking rhythms of the classic works, the music that sounds damn good on giant room fillin’ pipe organs and makes you shudder with the strength of the piano work as the music comes at you full on. TobyMac’s latest probably doesn’t sound good on a room fillin’ pipe organ, I bet that much is true!
Don’t buy this, don’t rent this, don’t fall over this in a dark alley and don’t touch this (you don’t know where it’s been!), it’s another game forever doomed for the bargain bin of video game death. Period.

-- David Rasmussen 30th Dec 05

Playstation 2 Bible Game, The Images